A Humorous Way To Deal With Email Scam Artists

Underwater scene of a businessman taking the bait

This is a personal story of a humorous way to deal with email scam artists. Every now and then, something comes into my field of attention and the kind, compassionate Angie takes a back seat while the acerbic slayer of bullshit takes control.

This is one such instance.

Please note all of the contra arguments that I used in my reply break my heart. I in no way support or condone them, but I used them as this email scam perverts so many things in this world that are actually good.

This email arrived in my inbox at Inspire for Life Coaching and while I had seen many of them before and followed the same protocol of block and delete, on this day something was different; my inner satirist (not Satanist) needed to have her say.

The Proposal

Good Day Dear,

I am Dr. (Mrs.) Mary Clark from Madrid, presently staying in London, United Kingdom. I am married to Engr. Benjamin Clark who worked as the financial director under United Nation Development Programmed for Africa for than ten years before he died in the year 2010. We were married for eleven years without a child, he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days and before his death we were both born again Christian.

Boo hoo, he couldn’t take his money with him

Since the death of my husband, I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home as its against the biblical believe of the Christendom. When my husband was alive he deposited $12.5 Million USD with a reputable bank, and presently this money is still with the bank; recently, my doctor told me that I would not last long due to my cancer problem and the one that disturbs me most is my partial paralysis.

I want an organization or an individual that will use this fund for Orphanages, Widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.

This made me cry

I took this decision because I don’t have any child or close relative that will inherit this money as I was raised as an orphan and my husband relatives are not Christians, they even have a hand in husband’s death and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by the same people.

This is why I am taking this decision, I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. (Exodus 14 vs. 14) says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

As soon as I receive your reply with guaranteed word to help me fulfill the wish of my late husband, I will communicate you with the details of the said funds and how its ownership will be communicated to you as the sole beneficiary to that account.

Yours in Christ,
Dr. (Mrs.)Mary Clark

Every part of my being cringes at the poor spelling above! 

The Response

Dearest Dr. (Mrs.)Mary Clark

Just this morning after I committed perverted acts with my house slave, and then beat her to within an inch of her life I cried out to my sweet Lord. “Oh Lord, Baal-zebub my sweet Morningstar hear my cry,” I wept.

“SAVE ME OH LORD!!

While I live a perverse and debauched life I WANT IT ALL!!! I want to expand my empire of evil and do your sweet will upon this wretched planet. Oh sweet Lord I NEED more money to do all that you have dropped into my heart.

As you have instructed I shall continue to invest in prostitution, racketeering, and illegal drug running. I NEED the funds to pay for that arms deal your favourite demon told me about and payment for the blood diamonds is also now due my Lord.

Oh sweet Lord help me and hear my cry, my bank account in Switzerland has been frozen, please send me a sign that I may accomplish your will!”

It gets worse

And dearest Dr. (Mrs.)Mary Clark less than an hour later, I received an answer to my human sacrifice (the slave died) in the form of your beautiful email.

Do not fear that you are barren and childless. My 12 children will further, the cause I have with your beautiful money. Please send me the full name of your dead and rotting husband. A picture would also be lovely I shall name my latest whorehouse after him.

My lord has just dropped into my heart that I need to rename all the sweatshops in Asia after you. Dr. (Mrs.)Mary Clark Sweatshop sounds so beautiful.

Action is Imperative!

So dear let’s not waste one minute. Deposit the money TODAY! Lucifer Morningstar, my sweet Lord knows exactly where you are and will send his angels of darkness to assist you shortly. Once the transfer is completed, you shall die forthwith because you’re no longer needed on Earth.

I should tell you my sweet Lord Lucy and Jesus are on very good terms. Should you renege on the generous offer it is most likely you shall spend 1000 years in Purgatory, which I have on good advice, is far worse than hell.

Your Angelic Messenger
Angela Barnard

PS – RIP
PPS – Safe travels
PPPS – Say hello to my sweet Lord for me please.

The Aftermath

Was there one?

No.

Why?

Because while I did send this email I immediately hid behind the beautiful protective wall of block and report, that Outlook so generously offers their clients.

Did I accomplish anything?

Most likely not, but oh my God was it fun to write a load of drivel in response to a load of drivel received!

I ask myself, why must the email scam artists of this world have all the creative fun. Sometimes in life when things annoy us we need to respond with ridiculous humour, especially considering there are many who fall prey to these email scam artists.